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I want to acknowledge that there are some days, or weeks, or months, even, where taking a moment for yourself to do something like have a bath, have a rest, read a book, etc feels pretty much impossible. And, sometimes, we can get so used to not having time to take a moment for ourselves that it’s hard to see it when it might eventually pop up!
The complex nature of Self-Care (SC) has been highlighted for me personally since becoming a parent. In the early days, whenever I was suggested to "take a relaxing" bath while recovering from a very medically and mentally traumatic birth, it tended to make me feel worse. It served as a reminder of how painful that physical process would be (due to my injuries), how little time I had to myself, and that we couldn't possibly afford to live somewhere with a bath in Brisbane. It was kindly offered and well-intended, but it simply added another sense of burden for me. And that's me as a white, cis gender, non-disabled person, with access to safe healthcare and privilege. In order to understand the barriers around implementing SC, we need to acknowledge and validate that it is complex, influenced by socio-cultural factors, and not always easy to navigate.
The Importance of Understanding our Unique Self-Care needs
Self-care is a very broad term that means different things to different people. Personally, and professionally, I’ve found that regular self-care practice is most achievable when it is personalised, realistic and sustainable. Establishing this can take time, patience and ongoing work. Not only this, but as we change, grow and face new challenges, it's important to be flexible and adaptive to our SC needs-tailoring activities/routines to our dynamic and unique context.
It's important to point out that SC is not always comfortable, relaxing or something we WANT to do. For example, rehabilitating from an injury may require staying off your feet, performing uncomfortable stretches and stopping/reducing much loved activities. These things might bring about sadness, disappointment or even levels of physical pain. But, it is a form of SC to treat our body kindly so that it can heal. Likewise, attending counselling sessions can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, but it can also bring an enormous sense of validation and, ultimately, healing. I created the following questions to assist in reflecting on your own SC needs and your specific context. Try to be curious, gentle and honest as you consider these questions.
- How do I feel about my current SC routine? What am I already doing that I consider “self-care”? - What are the barriers to me including more self-care in my day-to-day? I.e. finances, time, mindset. - Realistically, how much time can I give to self-care daily/weekly? i.e. 3 minutes? 10 minutes? 2hrs? - What activities and practices tend to leave me feeling refreshed, calm or rejuvenated?
- How is/can self-care be worked into things I’m already doing? Reflect on the overlapping nature of self-care rather than thinking of it as a compartmentalised part of your day/week. - Do I have any judgments/beliefs about implementing SC?
Be curious and honest in your answer. It’s not uncommon for the concept of self-care to bring up such things as a sense of resistance, defensiveness, challenging thoughts about “worthiness” and “deserving”. Working through these sorts of narratives can be powerful and a form of self-care in itself!
The Healthy Mind Platter, developed by Dr Daniel Siegel Dr David Rock, is based on the neurobiology of mental wellness- essentially, it suggests what "mental nutrients" our brains need for optimal functioning. Resources such as this can be helpful in gaining greater awareness of where and how SC can fit in. While this can be a valuable resource for many people, I want to note that the metaphor of a Plate, and some of the language used in some of the articles presenting it, may be triggering for some people- in particularly those experiencing eating and/or body image issues and disorders.
"The Healthy Mind Platter has seven daily essential mental activities necessary for optimum mental health. These seven daily activities make up the full set of “mental nutrients” that your brain and relationships need to function at their best. By engaging every day in each of these servings, you promote integration in your life and enable your brain to coordinate and balance its activities. These essential mental activities strengthen your brain’s internal connections and your connections with other people and the world around you." – Dr Daniel Siegel (co-creator of Healthy Mind Platter)
If you notice yourself becoming judgmental or resistant to reflecting on the these things, please know that this is common and, ironically, can often be a sign that SC has been lacking for us recently. This can be where talking to someone like a counsellor or psychologist can be really helpful in understanding the root for the resistance. For some people, the concept of SC and implementing it in their lives can trigger thoughts, feelings and memories associated with self-worth and ideas of "not being deserving". Self-Care doesn't come easily to everyone and it is a skill that needs to be nurtured and developed. This activity, or the questions I’ve created, may not feel right for you. This is just one approach to understanding your self-care needs.
Suggestions for Achievable Self-Care Strategies
Given the complex and fluid nature of self-care, I am hesitant to offer a list of self-care recommendations before understanding your situation, needs and what feels safe for you. However, I understand that there are times when we feel totally tapped out and in need of some new strategies to try, or reminders of activities to come back to.
Commonly cited SC strategies include taking a bath, exercising, getting a massage, yoga classes, reading, napping, etc. These can be great SC strategies, but what do we do at times when we are faced with limitations around finances, time, health? Moreover, there is an element to these suggestions that overlooks the socio-cultural and political aspects impacting SC routines and choices (i.e. access, availability, physical disability, support).
My intention is to offer some ideas for self-care practices that are free/low-cost, flexible, intersectional and don’t take a lot of time. Not every suggestion on this list will be appropriate for you, but perhaps even one can help get you through the days/weeks/months where you aren't able to engage in a more extensive SC routine. A few minutes a day can make all the difference to our mental health- no matter how small it feels.
You’ll notice that all of these have a very strong mindfulness aspect.
1- Systems Check: Close your eyes (if comfortable), take a breath in. As you breath out, do a brief body scan/check. Without judgement, notice: Am I clenching or tensing anywhere? How steady/unsteady, deep/shallow is my breath? What's my heartbeat like? Personally I find this most realistic to add when I go to the bathroom and I’m already sitting down. *note* can be tricky with a toddler who loves joining you in the toilet.
2- Stretch/Gentle Movement: This could be a big stretch session, or it might be as simple as doing some neck/shoulder rolls. You don’t need to be a yoga guru, but if you are wanting something more structured, there are some great, free online resources such as Yoga with Adrienne, and Pilates Live which offer a variety of sessions in terms of difficulty, abilities and length of time. Chubby Lotus Yoga (on Instagram) also offers some great ideas, especially for folks in larger bodies.
3- Tea/coffee: Make a warm drink. Holding it in your hand, feel the warmth against your palm. I love holding it to my face, feeling the steam and taking a deep breath in. The water vapour can be very refreshing! I often describe tea as “a hug in liquid form”.
4- Music: Put on music that is a good match for your mood and activity. If you have access to a service like Spotify, making different playlists for different needs ahead of time can be a great strategy (e.g. energising, calming). I sometimes put just one headphone in when I’m hanging out with my toddler. This way I can still be present for him, but I’m able to get a little break for me at the same time. Depending on what he’s up to, this might be short-lived once he becomes curious about the earbud, but it’s worth it, even for just a few minutes.
5- Reduce noise: Sometimes we might actually need noise reduction. There are now low-cost earbuds that reduce noise around you, but don’t block it out. This can be great when you need to dial down sound stimulus but also be available (to those around you).
6- Massage: Give yourself a little shoulder, neck, foot or head massage. Another options is asking a loved one to provide you with one if it feels safe and is available for you. Depending on your preferences, touch can be a powerful form of self-care.
7- Connect with Nature: Water the plants, listen to rain sounds, watch a nature documentary, go for a walk around the block. I grew up on a big property and sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to be in nature. I find that hard in the city and, bear with me because it might sound a little odd, but sometimes I walk to where I can see a clump of trees, the river, something undisturbed, and I use my hands to block out any human-made structure so for a moment I’m immersed in only nature.
8- Prepare for sleep: Try to "lay to rest" the day before bed- journal or make a list of things on your mind, practice deep breathing/mindfulness, etc. Extensive sleep research shows this is key to a restful and effective sleep process- essential for well-being and optimal function. The need not be a lengthy process, the research indicates that just the action of “putting it away” can be enough for your brain to make way for deep, restorative sleep stages.
Ultimately, no one knows better than you what strategies for Self-Care are the best fit for your unique needs and stage of life. Moreover, it is ok to try out new strategies and pick and choose what ones, or even parts of them, you might bring in more regularly.
If you would like support developing or enhancing your Self-Care skills, strategies and routines, please get in touch.
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